And Life Goes On...
Some of my friends make fun of people who write blogs. Since I know they don't read this, I'm going to name them one by one and make fun of them...
JUST KIDDING.
It's almost five in the morning. I'm not ashamed to tell you that, because I've had a traumatizing end-of-the-week, and I don't blame myself for not being able to sleep. I also drank espresso like it was water today. Thank goodness that's my vice and not alcohol.
Remember the verses I quoted yesterday? I was sitting at my table reading that realizing I should be thankful. God has given me more scripture today to comfort me in a different way.
A chapter of my life has ended. The Leona chapter. She died in the middle of the night last night. The vet told me she was fine Wednesday, and although I didn't believe him, what else could I do? I spent this week curling up beside her every night trying to keep her limp, cold body warm, cleaning up all of my blankets and clothes (she was too weak to use the litter box), bottle-feeding her water, and worrying. I curled up with her on the couch late last night and saw the weariness begin to overtake life in her eyes. I was too scared to hold her. I wrapped her up in my jacket, put her in the clean litterbox (she'd been sleeping in it all day), prayed for her, and went to bed because I was too exhausted to watch her suffer anymore. At 5:30 this morning I went downstairs and my worst fears were confirmed. The whole experience was one of the most terrifying I've ever had in my life. More terrifying than sad.
There's something about death that haunts me. It is so unnatural. It is natural for things to have spirit, to fight and love and tear things up and look you in the eyes. Today I was reading Oswald Chambers and he talked about how the same forces that keep us alive are constantly fighting against us to kill us. Health is finding the balance between the two. I was angry and confused at God for a lot of today, wondering why He would let such a terrible thing happen to me, why He wouldn't answer my prayers to save her, why He would choose one of my worst nightmares and saturate my life with it.
But I have a peace in my heart that He understands more than me. He has reasons I don't understand.
Tonight I was reading Prince Caspian (The Fourth in the Chronicles of Narnia series) and the last bit is about when Aslan comes back and all the trees start coming alive and animals are talking and everyone sits around a big fire and feasts until they fall asleep. There has just been a big battle, and Aslan has been gone for hundreds of years and most people think he doesn't exist and those are nice fairy tales but lions aren't real. He does, however, and he comes back. Reepicheep is a little mouse who fights in the army.
"On the litter lay what seemed little better than a damp heap of fur; all that was left of Reepicheep. He was still breathing, but more dead than alive, gashed with innumerable wounds, one paw crushed, and, where his tail had been, a bandaged stump.
"Now Lucy," said Aslan.
Lucy had her diamond bottle out in a moment. Though only a drop was needed on each of Reepicheep's wounds, the wounds were so many that there was a long and anxious silence before she had finished and the Master Mouse sprang from the litter."
and later he describes the banquet...
"Thus Aslan feasted the Narnians til long after the sunset had died away, and the stars had come out; and the great fire, now hotter but less noisy, shone like a beacon in the dark woods, and the frightened Telmarines saw it from far away and wondered what it might mean. The best thing of all about this feast was that there was no breaking up or going away, but as the talk grew quieter and slower, one after another would begin to nod and finally drop off to sleep with feet toward the fire and good friends on either side, till at last there was silence all round the circle, and the chattering of water over stone at the Ford of Beruna could be heard once more."
I believe in heaven, and the second part gives me the feeling of it... of complete security and relief and joy and celebration. I think her spirit is there. I think God cares that much, and I keep thinking about Romans, where it says all creation groans in eager expectation of God's coming... it's because of death. I think that God cares about the tiniest things, because He created them, and I must believe that He is good, and that an animal dying is not some vain punishment or test He wanted to inflict on me.
One more quote! Aslan comes back, and the animals see him...
" But all the Talking Beasts surged round the Lion, with purrs and grunts and squeaks and whinnies of delight, fawning on him with their tails, rubbing against him, touching him reverently with their noses and going to and fro under his body and between his legs. If you have ever seen a little cat loving a big dog whom it knows and trusts, you will have a pretty good picture of their behavior."
And this is how I see God tonight. Someone I am safe with, someone who loves me, someone who does things that don't make sense, but who does them out of love, towards me and everyone involved. It only hurts me more to see Him as anything else.
So yeah I made some strong coffee at home, drank a few cups of it, cooked all morning to keep my hands busy, told the people at work (I am so lucky that they are deeply kind-hearted people), and someone I work with even brought me a cup of coffee, before even knowing what was going on. I think I've mentioned that coffee is in my top 10 of things that satisfy me. Bitter, strong, alert... when I'm not. It helps.
My students are all exhausted because there's yet another big test they're studying for. I was humbled enough today to where I felt like I could look at them and actually see them. Sometimes I'm so concerned with managing the classroom and being in control and keeping irritating sounds and behaviors down that I don't even see the people I should be loving. But today I noticed how they were squinting and rubbing their heads and trying to learn, pulling streak after streak of white-out across their test answers, trying to get it right, blinking heavily trying to stay awake... if I don't love them who will? It seems like everyone else is too busy. Pushing them to be perfect and spend all of their free time studying and bouncing from academy to academy, stuffing their head with math and Chinese and English and Taekwondo and science. But there is a heart too, and an exhausted body, a child who needs to stop and hear stories and make up games and play on a Saturday without a time limit. But, that's all just my opinion.
God brought me to this passage tonight-
"For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And He will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the Lord binds up the brokenness of His people, and heals the wounds inflicted by His blow."
- Isaiah 30:19-26
I believe that most of that, and maybe all of it, is for now. For everyone who believes it. The sun's about to come up. I still don't know when I'll fall asleep.
JUST KIDDING.
It's almost five in the morning. I'm not ashamed to tell you that, because I've had a traumatizing end-of-the-week, and I don't blame myself for not being able to sleep. I also drank espresso like it was water today. Thank goodness that's my vice and not alcohol.
Remember the verses I quoted yesterday? I was sitting at my table reading that realizing I should be thankful. God has given me more scripture today to comfort me in a different way.
A chapter of my life has ended. The Leona chapter. She died in the middle of the night last night. The vet told me she was fine Wednesday, and although I didn't believe him, what else could I do? I spent this week curling up beside her every night trying to keep her limp, cold body warm, cleaning up all of my blankets and clothes (she was too weak to use the litter box), bottle-feeding her water, and worrying. I curled up with her on the couch late last night and saw the weariness begin to overtake life in her eyes. I was too scared to hold her. I wrapped her up in my jacket, put her in the clean litterbox (she'd been sleeping in it all day), prayed for her, and went to bed because I was too exhausted to watch her suffer anymore. At 5:30 this morning I went downstairs and my worst fears were confirmed. The whole experience was one of the most terrifying I've ever had in my life. More terrifying than sad.
There's something about death that haunts me. It is so unnatural. It is natural for things to have spirit, to fight and love and tear things up and look you in the eyes. Today I was reading Oswald Chambers and he talked about how the same forces that keep us alive are constantly fighting against us to kill us. Health is finding the balance between the two. I was angry and confused at God for a lot of today, wondering why He would let such a terrible thing happen to me, why He wouldn't answer my prayers to save her, why He would choose one of my worst nightmares and saturate my life with it.
But I have a peace in my heart that He understands more than me. He has reasons I don't understand.
Tonight I was reading Prince Caspian (The Fourth in the Chronicles of Narnia series) and the last bit is about when Aslan comes back and all the trees start coming alive and animals are talking and everyone sits around a big fire and feasts until they fall asleep. There has just been a big battle, and Aslan has been gone for hundreds of years and most people think he doesn't exist and those are nice fairy tales but lions aren't real. He does, however, and he comes back. Reepicheep is a little mouse who fights in the army.
"On the litter lay what seemed little better than a damp heap of fur; all that was left of Reepicheep. He was still breathing, but more dead than alive, gashed with innumerable wounds, one paw crushed, and, where his tail had been, a bandaged stump.
"Now Lucy," said Aslan.
Lucy had her diamond bottle out in a moment. Though only a drop was needed on each of Reepicheep's wounds, the wounds were so many that there was a long and anxious silence before she had finished and the Master Mouse sprang from the litter."
and later he describes the banquet...
"Thus Aslan feasted the Narnians til long after the sunset had died away, and the stars had come out; and the great fire, now hotter but less noisy, shone like a beacon in the dark woods, and the frightened Telmarines saw it from far away and wondered what it might mean. The best thing of all about this feast was that there was no breaking up or going away, but as the talk grew quieter and slower, one after another would begin to nod and finally drop off to sleep with feet toward the fire and good friends on either side, till at last there was silence all round the circle, and the chattering of water over stone at the Ford of Beruna could be heard once more."
I believe in heaven, and the second part gives me the feeling of it... of complete security and relief and joy and celebration. I think her spirit is there. I think God cares that much, and I keep thinking about Romans, where it says all creation groans in eager expectation of God's coming... it's because of death. I think that God cares about the tiniest things, because He created them, and I must believe that He is good, and that an animal dying is not some vain punishment or test He wanted to inflict on me.
One more quote! Aslan comes back, and the animals see him...
" But all the Talking Beasts surged round the Lion, with purrs and grunts and squeaks and whinnies of delight, fawning on him with their tails, rubbing against him, touching him reverently with their noses and going to and fro under his body and between his legs. If you have ever seen a little cat loving a big dog whom it knows and trusts, you will have a pretty good picture of their behavior."
And this is how I see God tonight. Someone I am safe with, someone who loves me, someone who does things that don't make sense, but who does them out of love, towards me and everyone involved. It only hurts me more to see Him as anything else.
So yeah I made some strong coffee at home, drank a few cups of it, cooked all morning to keep my hands busy, told the people at work (I am so lucky that they are deeply kind-hearted people), and someone I work with even brought me a cup of coffee, before even knowing what was going on. I think I've mentioned that coffee is in my top 10 of things that satisfy me. Bitter, strong, alert... when I'm not. It helps.
My students are all exhausted because there's yet another big test they're studying for. I was humbled enough today to where I felt like I could look at them and actually see them. Sometimes I'm so concerned with managing the classroom and being in control and keeping irritating sounds and behaviors down that I don't even see the people I should be loving. But today I noticed how they were squinting and rubbing their heads and trying to learn, pulling streak after streak of white-out across their test answers, trying to get it right, blinking heavily trying to stay awake... if I don't love them who will? It seems like everyone else is too busy. Pushing them to be perfect and spend all of their free time studying and bouncing from academy to academy, stuffing their head with math and Chinese and English and Taekwondo and science. But there is a heart too, and an exhausted body, a child who needs to stop and hear stories and make up games and play on a Saturday without a time limit. But, that's all just my opinion.
God brought me to this passage tonight-
"For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" And He will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous... moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the Lord binds up the brokenness of His people, and heals the wounds inflicted by His blow."
- Isaiah 30:19-26
I believe that most of that, and maybe all of it, is for now. For everyone who believes it. The sun's about to come up. I still don't know when I'll fall asleep.
Comments
Post a Comment