How it REALLY is.
For you teachers:
http://teachyoualesson.blogspot.com/
Here is a blog I miraculously found, that I read for ten minutes and felt slightly comforted in my choice of profession. I have not yet had a student lay on my desk and throw my belongings in the trashcan, steal my purse, bruise my arm, or break a window. This crazy girl has.
I have been trying to figure out what the problem is lately. Why I am incurably miserably and exhausted. It's not permanent but it is frequent. Is it not having a car? Or the job?
I'm a reflective person as all you others are (you're reading a blog, which means you likely have one- CAUGHT CHA!) and the psychoanalysis is occurring right now, in my caffeinated and yet exhausted state.
I can't lie to the world anymore.
I read online about first year teaching. I am in what they sympathetically term the "disillusionment" phase.
Disillusionment - A combination of stress, exhaustion, illness, and overwhelming responsibilities can throw a new teacher into a "pit of despair." Your tendency may be to focus on what hasn't been accomplished and what has gone wrong over the past several months. Report cards, parent-teacher conferences, and your first teacher evaluation are looming. Classroom management issues can be discouraging. Self-esteem may be at an all-time low. Many new teachers consider leaving the profession during this stage.
Let me restate the parts for you that I am experiencing: "a combination of stress, exhaustion", "a pit of despair", "gone wrong over the past several months", "discouraging", "self-esteem at an all time low", "consider leaving the profession".
Here are statements I find myself saying/screaming all too often:
1. I want to die.
2. I'm going to quit.
3. I'm going back home.
I woke up at 5:40 this morning, threw a frozen pizza in the oven because I didn't have anything for lunch, and pulled it out at 6:30, as I was literally running out the door. Good thing it was "Nerd Day" (it's spirit week), because it's the first time I've worn tennis shoes to school. I had finished my first cup of coffee at home, and my second cup of coffee in the car before 7 AM. I stole the coffee I brought for Jonathan as I was leaving his car at 7:04. Therefore, my third cup of coffee was consumed before 7:30.
All of my students were gone in my first class. Because of scheduling inadequacies, the people who show up in my classroom change every single day. As if writing lesson plans weren't hard enough- I write three separate ones because I don't know who will come, and then CHANGE IT ALL and throw it out the window because someone I've never seen in my life walks in!
This morning, 1st period, it was me and a 17 year old boy, only been here a year from Mexico, taking sixteen classes and attempting to graduate this year. What sixteen classes, you ask? English 9, 10, and 11, algebra 2, world history, Oklahoma history, to name a few. He is not fluent in English. You are. CAN YOU IMAGINE?!? Sitting across from this sweet boy, fresh back from a three day bout of suspension, I looked at the GED pamphlet in his disorganized binder and said, "are you going to leave school and take these classes?"
"No," he answered.
"Ok. Forget this book." "It won't help you. I'm going to help you graduate. Bring in your other work every day." I wrote out a contract on a piece of notebook paper, and we both signed it.
Second hour, half of my eighteen students had vanished. Scheduling. By the way, my classroom comfortably seats seven, and can hold no more than thirteen. (You have to pull your desk out, sit in it, and then smash it up against another one to fit in the room.) I swivel around all day long in the narrow corridors of desks and wall, and if I gain another pound I will not be able to move in my classroom. My bedroom is larger than it is. Anyways, before today I had been herding the 18 students to a random room across the hall, bigger than mine, with none of my materials. Did I mention that is the class of all NON, completely NON, English speakers? The sort of class that should be small, because the children don't understand when you say "Do you understand?" Anyways. We squeezed in the 11 remaining kids and reviewed animal names, and I showed them "I can't wait to be king" from Lion King. I will venture to say that my Spanish is equal to, if not more than, their English. I've gotten to the point where if a kid is struggling to communicate something to me, I tell them to tell me in Spanish.
Third hour was that same class. Fourth hour, no one showed up. There is only one student on my roster, however. When she did come yesterday, we worked for 20 minutes on the difference between "A, E, I, O, and U". She has been here for three years.
Lunch was twenty minutes of shoving burnt pizza in my mouth and grading papers. That was at 10:30.
During our "group planning time" (a strategy implemented by genius, "research-based" bureaucrats to increase performance in standardized testing, COUGH, excuse me, school), I went to a mandatory teacher-webpage training. Not only did I make my own webpage in middle school, 99% of my students do not have access to a computer. It is absurd to make a class webpage. I am the only one who will ever see it. I love how funding gushes into public schools to be used for things which are completely USELESS to the populations they are serving.
Sixth hour my entire class had been changed except for one remaining student. I set him to organizing his binder while I searched for cars at my desk and talked to him about abstinence, contraceptives and teen pregnancy. A few weeks ago when there were eight students in that class, two were mothers. Yes, they are 15. When I wasn't at my desk, I was beside him. I told him about Jesus and how He's helped me through a lot, including stress. Yes, the filter is officially off. Perhaps you can gather from us having a discussion about spirituality that he has NO issues with English, he is in ESL because he raced his friend on the placement test last year.
Seventh hour, during my plan, I did not plan. I did not plan because I don't know who is in my class, and I don't know who will be. I generally spend my planning time in a comatose state, chomping on chocolate-covered espresso beans and, well, that's it. Today I read Philippians online, looked for more cars, and organized the surface of my desk.
The student assigned to detention, whom I must have mentioned yesterday, declined to show up. Could it be because her class was changed today? Because I wrote her a referral yesterday? I was sure she would come, because I held her makeup hostage. This means I get to write her another referral tomorrow, for not showing up to detention. Yesterday's was for "continual defiance."
The school's solution to referrals is forcing students to sit in the cafeteria all day. The perfect punishment for an already unmotivated teenager- NOT.
Jonathan picked me up after school and our exhausted states combined are never pretty. I was in my bed at 6:45, having surrendered for the night. Unfortunately, the espresso beans are still dancing through my veins, it's almost 11, I'm getting up in seven hours, and who knows when I'll fall asleep.
I'm journaling, reading my Bible, thinking up all the steps to happiness as though they're 1,2,3... begging Jesus for mercy multiple times a day. Mostly just begging Him. That's where I'm at right now.
http://teachyoualesson.blogspot.com/
Here is a blog I miraculously found, that I read for ten minutes and felt slightly comforted in my choice of profession. I have not yet had a student lay on my desk and throw my belongings in the trashcan, steal my purse, bruise my arm, or break a window. This crazy girl has.
I have been trying to figure out what the problem is lately. Why I am incurably miserably and exhausted. It's not permanent but it is frequent. Is it not having a car? Or the job?
I'm a reflective person as all you others are (you're reading a blog, which means you likely have one- CAUGHT CHA!) and the psychoanalysis is occurring right now, in my caffeinated and yet exhausted state.
I can't lie to the world anymore.
I read online about first year teaching. I am in what they sympathetically term the "disillusionment" phase.
Disillusionment - A combination of stress, exhaustion, illness, and overwhelming responsibilities can throw a new teacher into a "pit of despair." Your tendency may be to focus on what hasn't been accomplished and what has gone wrong over the past several months. Report cards, parent-teacher conferences, and your first teacher evaluation are looming. Classroom management issues can be discouraging. Self-esteem may be at an all-time low. Many new teachers consider leaving the profession during this stage.
Let me restate the parts for you that I am experiencing: "a combination of stress, exhaustion", "a pit of despair", "gone wrong over the past several months", "discouraging", "self-esteem at an all time low", "consider leaving the profession".
Here are statements I find myself saying/screaming all too often:
1. I want to die.
2. I'm going to quit.
3. I'm going back home.
I woke up at 5:40 this morning, threw a frozen pizza in the oven because I didn't have anything for lunch, and pulled it out at 6:30, as I was literally running out the door. Good thing it was "Nerd Day" (it's spirit week), because it's the first time I've worn tennis shoes to school. I had finished my first cup of coffee at home, and my second cup of coffee in the car before 7 AM. I stole the coffee I brought for Jonathan as I was leaving his car at 7:04. Therefore, my third cup of coffee was consumed before 7:30.
All of my students were gone in my first class. Because of scheduling inadequacies, the people who show up in my classroom change every single day. As if writing lesson plans weren't hard enough- I write three separate ones because I don't know who will come, and then CHANGE IT ALL and throw it out the window because someone I've never seen in my life walks in!
This morning, 1st period, it was me and a 17 year old boy, only been here a year from Mexico, taking sixteen classes and attempting to graduate this year. What sixteen classes, you ask? English 9, 10, and 11, algebra 2, world history, Oklahoma history, to name a few. He is not fluent in English. You are. CAN YOU IMAGINE?!? Sitting across from this sweet boy, fresh back from a three day bout of suspension, I looked at the GED pamphlet in his disorganized binder and said, "are you going to leave school and take these classes?"
"No," he answered.
"Ok. Forget this book." "It won't help you. I'm going to help you graduate. Bring in your other work every day." I wrote out a contract on a piece of notebook paper, and we both signed it.
Second hour, half of my eighteen students had vanished. Scheduling. By the way, my classroom comfortably seats seven, and can hold no more than thirteen. (You have to pull your desk out, sit in it, and then smash it up against another one to fit in the room.) I swivel around all day long in the narrow corridors of desks and wall, and if I gain another pound I will not be able to move in my classroom. My bedroom is larger than it is. Anyways, before today I had been herding the 18 students to a random room across the hall, bigger than mine, with none of my materials. Did I mention that is the class of all NON, completely NON, English speakers? The sort of class that should be small, because the children don't understand when you say "Do you understand?" Anyways. We squeezed in the 11 remaining kids and reviewed animal names, and I showed them "I can't wait to be king" from Lion King. I will venture to say that my Spanish is equal to, if not more than, their English. I've gotten to the point where if a kid is struggling to communicate something to me, I tell them to tell me in Spanish.
Third hour was that same class. Fourth hour, no one showed up. There is only one student on my roster, however. When she did come yesterday, we worked for 20 minutes on the difference between "A, E, I, O, and U". She has been here for three years.
Lunch was twenty minutes of shoving burnt pizza in my mouth and grading papers. That was at 10:30.
During our "group planning time" (a strategy implemented by genius, "research-based" bureaucrats to increase performance in standardized testing, COUGH, excuse me, school), I went to a mandatory teacher-webpage training. Not only did I make my own webpage in middle school, 99% of my students do not have access to a computer. It is absurd to make a class webpage. I am the only one who will ever see it. I love how funding gushes into public schools to be used for things which are completely USELESS to the populations they are serving.
Sixth hour my entire class had been changed except for one remaining student. I set him to organizing his binder while I searched for cars at my desk and talked to him about abstinence, contraceptives and teen pregnancy. A few weeks ago when there were eight students in that class, two were mothers. Yes, they are 15. When I wasn't at my desk, I was beside him. I told him about Jesus and how He's helped me through a lot, including stress. Yes, the filter is officially off. Perhaps you can gather from us having a discussion about spirituality that he has NO issues with English, he is in ESL because he raced his friend on the placement test last year.
Seventh hour, during my plan, I did not plan. I did not plan because I don't know who is in my class, and I don't know who will be. I generally spend my planning time in a comatose state, chomping on chocolate-covered espresso beans and, well, that's it. Today I read Philippians online, looked for more cars, and organized the surface of my desk.
The student assigned to detention, whom I must have mentioned yesterday, declined to show up. Could it be because her class was changed today? Because I wrote her a referral yesterday? I was sure she would come, because I held her makeup hostage. This means I get to write her another referral tomorrow, for not showing up to detention. Yesterday's was for "continual defiance."
The school's solution to referrals is forcing students to sit in the cafeteria all day. The perfect punishment for an already unmotivated teenager- NOT.
Jonathan picked me up after school and our exhausted states combined are never pretty. I was in my bed at 6:45, having surrendered for the night. Unfortunately, the espresso beans are still dancing through my veins, it's almost 11, I'm getting up in seven hours, and who knows when I'll fall asleep.
I'm journaling, reading my Bible, thinking up all the steps to happiness as though they're 1,2,3... begging Jesus for mercy multiple times a day. Mostly just begging Him. That's where I'm at right now.
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