Out on the Town

Some places in the world are predictable. Take a beach resort, for example. You walk outside and can be sure you will find: a. an ocean, b. either rain or sunshine, c. other people milling about enjoying themselves. There will be good seafood, and maybe fire-twirlers, and mosquitoes here and there. Or say you were in ... New York City. You would see traffic, and you could get a cab or a train to where you were going, and the same stores would be selling the same things in the same places.

Lucky for me I am stranded in Bedford, VA, which boasts new things such as the Taco Bell/ Long John Silver's combination restaurant, a dry cleaner's that has to ship your clothes to a nearby city, a (rumored) coffee shop that closes at 2 pm, and a high school that is more famous for pushing out pregnancies than graduations.

I live down a winding country road that is speckled with trailor parks, rebel flags, plastic animal yard decorations, and the occasional pickup-truck entertainment center. Nothing is predictable here! As I was out for a nightly drive to Dairy Queen with my dad last night (if I was well enough to drive you know where I'd be- or do you?), we almost hit three shaggy-haired debateably-sexed individuals roaming about. There is no sidewalk. There's no shoulder either.

Tonight my dad took me out to Wal-Mart. Wrestling with death has put me in tip-top Wal-Mart condition, and my skeleton face and scraggly hair allows me to prowl around more comfortably. The sadism in me FORCES my gaze upwards to see whose feet I'm looking at- because it is IMPOSSIBLE to go to Wal-Mart without seeing someone you recognize. Don't worry, it won't be the gorgeous track star from junior year or the valedictorian, they've long fled. It will be a much more character testing experience. I think for four straight years out of high school, there was a healthy 98% chance that I would see an ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart every single time I went. As the years dragged us further from our parents and that happened less often, generally creepy people tended to greet me. I once had a man approach me in the granola bar aisle and tell me I looked just like his ex-wife. He kept talking about my hair (which was permed, of course, this was still pretty fresh out of high school), and although he didn't mention my Golden Corral uniform, maybe that flipped a switch too. He heard me relay this awkward encounter to someone on my cellphone, and approached me in the next aisle to continue our conversation about his ex-wife and that he hoped I wasn't offended. Oh no, just terrified.

Once, I ran into three people in Wal-Mart, and two of them involved pretty hefty hugs. The first? A bus driver from marching band, and then, sideswept by someone from highschool who always gave me midi files of his compositions, and, I forget the third. Let's fast-forward to tonight. I was really excited to get some magazines, and Eggo Waffles, and standing in line, hoping against all hope I didn't know the girl ringing me up (I have a younger sister and brother, you know, making matters even more precarious), I squinted to the left. Could it be? OH YES. Kindergarten and first grade boyfriend/ high school dropout/ notorious local minor criminal. Those are all the same person, that's what the slashes were for. If he noticed me (and he was with a girl and was that a baby? I wasn't willing to risk another glance) he didn't let on. I made it out technically unscathed.

How about when my sister went to get her teeth cleaned a couple years ago and it was my EX BOYFRIEND who did it. I probably won't see a dentist (excuse me, the dentist) in this town EVER again. Imagine that, having someone who used to buy me dinners at Outback and Logan's Roadhouse inspecting my molars, except this time in a very businesslike manner.

My mom was exasperated again today when I begged her to escape this town. I promised her I'd stop.

Did you think the updates were over? YOU WERE WRONG. I saw the doctor again today and although I can tell she doesn't like me (I think she's irritated that I'm not trying to rest and recover in a proper time span- she keeps repeating, "You have pneumonia. This is a big deal"
) she gave me a steroid shot (maybe so I could breathe?) and I got an INHALER. That's right. The secret to happiness that I've been gypped out on all these years. Who needs smoking or drugs or candy or friends even if you can just have a good INHALER. I got home and ripped it out of the box (well, after I ate some fish sticks my mom gave me) and used it. And I could breathe more than a 5% breath which is what I've been existing on for the past week. And in exactly 20 minutes I'm going to use it again. 2 puffs. The box says it has 200 compressions. This means I can use my inhaler 6 times a day for... awhile. Also she gave me this different cough syrup which I think has some sort of stimulant in it because I feel too awake.


Anyways. That's my life as a grandma. I almost watched soap operas today, and I have to say it wasn't the blandness and mild ugliness of the actors but the absolute ATROCITY of what they were wearing. And old ladies should be baking cookies and knitting, they shouldn't be wearing all those heavy pearls and caking all that lipstick on and making such sour faces. I will say I enjoyed seeing Jerry Lee Lewis on The View, my goodness is he old, and Whoopee Goldberg really got irritated with Barbara Walters when she tried to get him to comment on his marriage to a 13 year old. Jerry Lee could barely talk, poor old man. Whoopee shoved her out of the way and said, "Jerry! You're here to play some music aren't you!" and they led him over the the piano where he croaked out an amazing rendition of Great Balls of Fire. Tears almost came to my eyes when I watched his old hands banging on that piano, and my what a fast song to be playing when it takes you a minute to form a full sentence in conversation.


I also saw a mind-burning episode of Jeopardy where this blonde college grad with a unibrow was just bing-banging through all the answers, and the man beside him looked peeved, and the only woman on the show had negative money. The nerd ended up with like $20,000 and the poor girl could only get $300, but Alex congratulated her on getting out of the red.

I think tomorrow I'll start watching the morning news. I did a load of laundry today and it had me so out of breath I had to wheeze at the kitchen table for a good ten minutes and then take a nap for three hours.